My Journey

“Motherhood came early to me. I gave birth to two sons within one year and yet I did not feel that I was sufficiently ready to be a mother. As the years passed, things began to balance out and I started to enjoy my role. However, the difficult experience of those early years was burnt into my memory.

When I realized that I was pregnant for the third time, it felt as if this was beyond my capabilities. I wanted another child but it did not seem possible. We barely covered our costs each month and that was with two children. How would we feed a third? Work-wise it was also badly timed. I was being promoted to a senior position which would significantly enhance our quality of life. I worried that if I took a maternity leave now, someone else would be promoted in my place. I struggled back and forth. I couldn’t sleep at night. I kept hearing about women who had terminated their pregnancy. It was all around me.

Slowly a decision formed. I would take control of my own life. This pregnancy would not rule me. Perhaps in a few years I would be more ready for another pregnancy and then we would have another baby.

I only included my husband in my decision. We did not tell anyone about the pregnancy or about the termination, not family, friends, or even my mother. I was worried that outside influences would unsettle me and would succeed in changing my mind. I was trying to silence the small inner voice inside me which was telling me not to go ahead. Yet I did go ahead, with that terrible feeling inside me, although in day to day life it was business as usual.

Life went on. I received the promotion I had hoped for and our financial situation eased. But thoughts of this baby did not leave me for a minute. Even though I was happy, in one area I was not satisfied. I felt deprived of motherhood.

Years passed and when my two sons grew up, I wanted another child but to my intense disappointment I could not get pregnant. I went from doctor to doctor. They couldn’t find any problem but the facts spoke for themselves.

My story was a clear message to me. Today I am an EFRAT volunteer and I have committed myself to helping other women keep their babies.”